FW---

I am exactly what I want to be. I've surrounded myself with material representations of me, and I want to throw up on it. I see myself in the pattern of my bed, and how I've always hung my bras on the back of my door. I have no reason to be unhappy.

+BB

My Initial Assessment of The Church of Scientology.

This is my initial assessment of The Church of Scientology from my visit today to their 11am Sunday service. I do not have any prior affiliation with this church, nor am I active in any other church or religion. So this is my attempt at an unbiased review of a visit to their service. Everything in this post is what was presented to me today at the church, not based upon any outside readings.

What is Scientology? A religion founded by L. Ron Hubbard that is centered on the pursuit of knowledge, more specifically self knowledge. They believe that because we are created in the image of God, then the better we understand ourselves, the better we understand God. Founded in 1953.

There are eight dynamics in Scientology. Self, Sex and Family, Groups (i.e. your book club. Groups you affiliate yourself with), Mankind, All Life Forms (trees, flowers, etc.), The Universe, Spirituality, and Infinity (The One, The Big Cheese, The Supreme Being). 

This is similar to Maslow's hierarchy of needs in the sense that you have to get through the first to get to the second. And self actualization would be compared to the understanding of infinity. Or the push towards existing infinitely. 

The main symbol of Scientology is an 8 pointed cross. The cross that we all know and associate with Christianity also exists in Scientology. If I remember correctly, the horizontal bar on the cross symbolizes the tangible earth and us as people, and the vertical represents spirituality. And they intersect. The extra 4 points they add to their cross, totally 8 points, is just symbolic of the already said eight dynamics of life. 

Scientology is similar to Buddhism is the idea that they believe we have live past lives, and they have a method of pulling memories from those lives. It is called auditing, I think. You have be trained in this practice, and we didn't really discuss this enough that I can offer more on it. I do know that to revisit a past life is a more advanced level of Scientology. 

Scientology is not like other churches in a weekly Sunday service. Although I did attend their service that they offer on Sunday, this is pretty much for people like me that are curious just come to check things out. It was a short sermon and was read from one of Hubbard's books. The topic was "Happiness and Interest." The real "progress" in Scientology is in individual work studies. Hubbard wrote tons and tons of books, workshops, and studies for people practicing Scientology. There are also a lot of seminars that go on. 

In the main floor of the church they have panels set up that have little benches in front of a tv screen that show dvds with testimonies and what not. Similar to a museum. I watched the one over Dianetics, which is Hubbard's most famous book. I also watched one over Purification which is a major point in Scientology. It didn't directly say it, but it seemed like they do not believe in antibiotics? I could be totally wrong in that though. They do believe that we are constantly putting junk into our bodies and this weighs us down physically and spiritually. They do a detoxification to get rid of any toxins (i.e. nicotine). I also watched the panel on the history of L. Ron Hubbard himself, and that guy was fascinating. He actually went to Queen Anne High School, right by where I live. He traveled a ton to see and help the world. He was a published author before ever starting the Church of Scientology. Long story short, he was a very driven man who believed in the power of the mind. He saw devastation in the world wanted to fix it with our most powerful weapon, the mind. 

THINGS I LIKED:

1. An interesting point about Scientology that I did not know is how active they are in the world. They have an organization called Volunteer Ministries which is pretty much an aid group. They helped with the oil spill in the gulf, hurricane relief when Sandy hit, they man I was talking to said people in the church just got back from helping in Haiti. They gave me a dvd on it that once I watch I can expand more on. 

2. It is directly applicable to my life. Nothing in the teachings are metaphorical bushes burning or stories that I don't feel directly apply or relate to me. They are straightforward and not complex. Today we talked about how happiness is all about interest. Lesson: if you aren't happy then it is because you are not interested. Want to be happy? Find something that interests you, or alter what you are doing to meet your interest. I find that pretty damn applicable. 

3. Nothing is altered and we know exactly where everything came from. L. Ron Hubbard. He wrote everything. He does not hide that. Scientologists make it a point to not alter any of his works to keep them in the truest form. Philosophy of language is more important than other religions let on. 

4. What you believe does not rely on faith, everything has an answer. (This is what was presented to me, I am not fully sure that this is true yet)

THINGS I DID NOT LIKE:

1. Individual study. I like the idea of growing in a community and group and most of what you do is on your own. There are a couple of lessons that require what they call a "twin" but most do not. 

2. There are still a lot of things that I do not understand and they were not necessarily cleared up for me. There is a lot of bag stigma about Scientology in the media and this had to develop from something? I would like to talk with a Scientologist and see their opinion on this and maybe not be so mysterious. 

3. The people were mildly strange. They were very friendly but only the gentleman that showed me around seemed to show any real interest in me as a person. He was friendly and welcoming, very much so, but everybody else that was there was definitely not. If they are successfully  practicing, shouldn't they be happy and inspiring and everything that Scientology seems to say it can provide? 

4. It was very much like a museum. Little exhibits set up everywhere with pamphlets to take. It was not really a warm environment. In their defense though, I'm not sure they are really going for that kind of family environment, so I can't be mad at them for failing to provide it!

THINGS I WISH TO UNCOVER:

Where has all of the negative media developed from? Today I did not sense a cult atmosphere, just a very educated and reserved group of people. I have heard the most awful things about The Church of Scientology and I am very curious as to where those comments developed and why. 

I also want to know more about Scientology as a lifestyle. Is it? Is it something that turns into your life or can your already existent life just include these beliefs? 

Closing Note (for mom): I am not joining the Church of Scientology. I am simply exploring things that I do not understand. How can I claim to believe something one day and completely eliminate any other options when I never bothered to attempt to understand them? One can research religions all they want and attempt to grasp them, but I believe that by attempting to practice them myself I can make a valid and fully educated decision to believe or not believe in what I choose. 

Hysteric

I sat in a chair and looked out the window; it was raining, as it always is. It was a song with an inconsistent melody that the rain chanted; I use to like the song and listen to it and find peace. I watched the petals of the daisies in the flower box outside the window be beaten by the raindrops and a few wilted under the pressure of the building water. What used to be beautiful and produce love in my chest was now wilting and collapsing from inevitable circumstances of weather.

Watching this happen brought about a sadness. It was a childlike, raw sadness that was rooted in complete selfishness, the type of sad that can only be displayed in fits of anger. I opened the window and pulled the daisies from the flower box and threw them down three stories. They fell in slow motion and the moment they left my fingers, I missed them. It was all of a sudden difficult to watch the soil and flowers disperse on the concrete, still being drowned by the rain. I wanted to run to them and pick them up and attempt to replant the daisies in the flower box, but I knew they would never grow the same. The box looked naked and remnants of the late flowers roots poked out of the dirt. Where there once were tiny white flowers, there now was just the broken stem.

My fingers were frozen and covered in soil, more mud, and this I didn't care about because I half stood and half sat there with my hands still in the flower box, my head resting on my forearms. My emotions imitated my body's numbness, stinging. I sat like this for a minute before pulling myself back through the window, a waterfall of dirt and rain following me onto the wood floors before I finally closed the window. Sitting back down where I was originally seated, entwining my dirty hands around my knees, I returned back to looking outside. Then the rain subsided.  

My Own Photo

Musique

A couple of bands I have come across recently, some from Seattle even, that you should check out. STAY RAD MAN.

Even though the video says their name is "Nude" they changed it sometime last year to the current Nude Pop. These guys are from Spokane, hopefully moving to Seattle. I seriously have an obsession with them and their music. Other good song: No Show.

This chick is really cool. She's in.. England, I think. Which basically means I will never be able to see her live. 300 facebook likes doesn't normally mean international tour, sadly. But this song it really awesome and I actually feature it on my photography page.

BellaMaine, pretty sweet. I couldn't find the song I wanted on YouTube though, so here is a cool instrumental. Look them up and do some research on them because they are definitely worth it. They are from somewhere here in Washington I do believe. And they have a new EP!

Is God Good or Bad? Or Neither?

I'll just jump right into it. With everything good and beautiful in the world, there is also a lot of hate and bad. Are those aspects that were neglected by god (like the saying that darkness is only an absence of light), or are they projections of god's possibly not as good side? I don't know. My roommate and I have discussed this point a few times.. the question of god's overall goodness, and we are still unsure to what we fully believe yet. As for now what I lean towards is this: the world was initially a projection of god. He made it in his image and then he has set it aside. I do not necessarily feel that he is apathetic towards us or the world, but that it must proceed naturally. I believe that god is mostly good, but just like we are, he has those aspects of him that may be slightly darker. This shows in the world and how there are so many contrasts of good and bad and grey. I feel that the world started off with more good but has naturally progressed and the bad may have spread like monkey grass. Regardless of how this happen, my reasoning for this post is because it settles me. I'm not sure how you feel, but I love the idea of an imperfect god. I relate to him. I can feel him, and it's not a condescending feeling. It's a pal to pal scenario. And because I don't think that god can necessarily intervene with our lives, the poor guy doesn't have the pressure of me looking to him when I'm broke or need something. Instead he is a friend, there when I want to talk. I like this god far more than any other I've tried to believe in. 

I'd like to hear what you think. 

The Feeling of Fainting

You're sitting there, upright and aware. You listen attentively to the people talking around you and every now and then you might partake in a small side conversation. Everybody is talking and it's coherent in the beginning. For a short instance a single word in a sentence spoken is faded, but it may have been a minute work like “and” or “the” so you do not pay much attention to it. You go back to listening but again a piece of a sentence fades out, and this time it was a larger chunk making the message of the person lost to you. You blink and when you open your eyes your vision is one shade duller than it was before. Out of shock you blink again hoping it will return to normal but alas you open your eyes to find your vision yet again a bit darkened over. Now you struggle not to blink at all to hopefully maintain the rest of your dull sight, but this is a hard task to accomplish because your eyes are so very dry. And while all of this is occurring your head is pounding, you weren’t aware of it until just now. It is not like a drum pound but rather a dull pound, and before now you did not know such thing as a dull pound existed. You are completely unaware of the conversation at this point. All you can hear is black; it is a curious feeling to be able to hear a color. Your eyes might be closed by now, but you're not fully sure because all you can focus on is the sound of black. And finally it happens, you are there for a second, and then you're not. You feel a thud, but do not recognize feeling it until later because at this point everything is a jambalaya mix. Despite the fact that you are unconscious at this point, your mind is rapid. And array of thoughts smash into your brain but you cannot think any of them separately, though you still maintain a small level of understanding. It's very warm. The thoughts are in color form and flash through in maroons and teals, and you are thankful for this because that feeling of the awful black was already worn. Then there is a tapping. You open your eyes and despite the fact that you are aware of the colors you just experienced, you momentarily forget and enter a state of confusion as to why when you blinked last you were sitting in that chair and when you opened your eyes you were on the ground. You will remember in a few minutes. Everybody is asking you questions that you don't feel like answering, mostly because you either do not know the answer or because it is simply unanswerable. The night will continue how you expect with everybody showing great concern and pricking your finger. You are healthy though. You'll answer their questions but very shallowly because in the back of your head you'll think of where you went tonight. You won't say it, but even in the next day and next year you'll think of that place. Despite the fact that it was so jarring, you'll crave its difference from the rest of your day to day life. You’ll think of those colors, maybe you will paint them on your walls or color them in a notepad. You will attempt to surround yourself with them because the tans and browns of the world you use to know are not sufficient anymore.

And in the back of your head you'll know that whether there is or is not a god, there is that place. And that array of colors is where we all get lost after we die.

A Raw, Quick Type: Happiness

(After blog note: I would real quick like to make a differentiation between happiness and happiness. Yes they are the same word. It is possible to be happy in your day to day life but not be overall happy. And in this blog, overall happiness is what I am referring to. I still sing and I still laugh and smile. I am not a hermit or emo scene kid.)

Can you make your own happiness? I have been thinking about this and one day I would have answered yes, but now I am not so sure. Is happiness something you can chase? Is it a mindset that you can choose or does it choose you? I am capable of creating this facade of "happy", but it is not real. We are able to present ourselves on a new social medium a day as happy, thriving young adults, but how happy are we? I have made leaps and bounds to try to make myself happy. I moved across the nation, I bought myself a new car, I live in a fabulous apartment overlooking the city skyline. I have done things that people said I couldn't do, and among all of these accomplishments I cannot achieve the simplest thing: happiness. So that brings me back to my original question: can you make your own happiness? Is "happy" obtainable or is it a state that comes and goes with the days.

In the mornings I think I am the most happy. The light shines different in the morning, it's a warmer light. There is still hope for something new and exciting to happen in the day. Your eyeliner is not smeared.
The afternoon is okay, but some of the day is gone and nothing as happened. You are doing the same thing you were doing yesterday afternoon. But there is still the evening to look forward to, maybe meet somebody new.
But the evening comes and the sun is setting and it has not happened. And while you could say there is the anticipation for the next day, by the evening you are worn and pessimistic and in your head know that the next day will not be any different.
And the night needs no explanation. You lay in bed and the day's events go through your head but none of them mean anything to you. You may be in a completely different state. You may have met the president that day, and while that is a great day it does not remove the emptiness you feel in the night.

If you are doing everything right in life, everything you want to do, then why are your nights like this? You have pursued your happiness! I have made steps towards the life I want, the life I see in order to be happy. And it is because of this, and that my result is still empty that I believe you cannot chase happiness. You cannot seek it out, or fight for it, or make it happen. Happiness will come across you when it comes across you. There isn't a time for it. It's not "when you least expect it" or when you "aren't looking for it." It just is when it is. I wish I could offer more insight on that, but it hasn't happen for me yet.

I enjoy my life. I am doing everything that I want to be doing. I live where I want to live and I got here all on my own. I love my life. but there is a gap. Something is missing in me. I do not know if it is an experience, or security, or another form of happiness, but it simply is not there. I try to fill that gap with many things. As for now, I will continue living as Level 1 Happy. SubHappy? SemiHappy? I'll figure out a nice term, next time.

I also realize that I switched back and forth in this from first to second person... and would like to make a note that I do not have MPD. It's just my poor writing skills.