(After blog note: I would real quick like to make a differentiation between happiness and happiness. Yes they are the same word. It is possible to be happy in your day to day life but not be overall happy. And in this blog, overall happiness is what I am referring to. I still sing and I still laugh and smile. I am not a hermit or emo scene kid.)
Can you make your own happiness? I have been thinking about this and one day I would have answered yes, but now I am not so sure. Is happiness something you can chase? Is it a mindset that you can choose or does it choose you? I am capable of creating this facade of "happy", but it is not real. We are able to present ourselves on a new social medium a day as happy, thriving young adults, but how happy are we? I have made leaps and bounds to try to make myself happy. I moved across the nation, I bought myself a new car, I live in a fabulous apartment overlooking the city skyline. I have done things that people said I couldn't do, and among all of these accomplishments I cannot achieve the simplest thing: happiness. So that brings me back to my original question: can you make your own happiness? Is "happy" obtainable or is it a state that comes and goes with the days.
In the mornings I think I am the most happy. The light shines different in the morning, it's a warmer light. There is still hope for something new and exciting to happen in the day. Your eyeliner is not smeared.
The afternoon is okay, but some of the day is gone and nothing as happened. You are doing the same thing you were doing yesterday afternoon. But there is still the evening to look forward to, maybe meet somebody new.
But the evening comes and the sun is setting and it has not happened. And while you could say there is the anticipation for the next day, by the evening you are worn and pessimistic and in your head know that the next day will not be any different.
And the night needs no explanation. You lay in bed and the day's events go through your head but none of them mean anything to you. You may be in a completely different state. You may have met the president that day, and while that is a great day it does not remove the emptiness you feel in the night.
If you are doing everything right in life, everything you want to do, then why are your nights like this? You have pursued your happiness! I have made steps towards the life I want, the life I see in order to be happy. And it is because of this, and that my result is still empty that I believe you cannot chase happiness. You cannot seek it out, or fight for it, or make it happen. Happiness will come across you when it comes across you. There isn't a time for it. It's not "when you least expect it" or when you "aren't looking for it." It just is when it is. I wish I could offer more insight on that, but it hasn't happen for me yet.
I enjoy my life. I am doing everything that I want to be doing. I live where I want to live and I got here all on my own. I love my life. but there is a gap. Something is missing in me. I do not know if it is an experience, or security, or another form of happiness, but it simply is not there. I try to fill that gap with many things. As for now, I will continue living as Level 1 Happy. SubHappy? SemiHappy? I'll figure out a nice term, next time.
I also realize that I switched back and forth in this from first to second person... and would like to make a note that I do not have MPD. It's just my poor writing skills.
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